the diary of a girl named joanne

this is for you. i hope you read this.

"i just wanna feel your arms around me again,

and see the smile carved across your face.

i want things to return the same,

please tell me that this is just a phase.

at times, i can’t seem to comprehend,

why you’re no longer you,

you’re not the man i used to love,

just tell me this isn’t true.

i want it to be just me and you

don’t you love me too?

i don’t wanna live this life alone

so please, i beg u to bring me home."

So damn frustrated with the UTM Wireless Network - any network at all. You are connected to the network but you cannot view any website. You can’t check your emails… and the only websites which you can view are UTM websites and friendster! Stupid!!!

today, i felt as if i didn’t know how to express myself; didn’t know how to pour what i was feeling inside; didn’t know how to speak my mind.

well, it’s not usual for me. every one knows i’m not the kind of person who bottles-up inside and not wanting to leak even a single drop of information. outspoken, one will always call me… but not today.

why? why the sudden change of attitude? was it because i didn’t feel like talking today? was it because i felt as if the whole world around me today was bull shit? was is because i just couldn’t care less? was it because of someone?

now you tell me. i wanna hear from you.

have you ever felt you want people to know what you’re feeling deep inside but not directly telling them what you want them to know? you want that particular person to know what you feel inside but at the same time, you do not want to particularly tell that person what it is but just want him or her to find out by himself or herself. it’s ironic. yes.

that was what i felt today. this is not the first time. i lost count… but what i know is that, everytime this repeats, you get more agitated and irritated. it’s a sign to show me that, that person still doesn’t know his or her own flaws or simply rather, he or she still doesn’t know what is bugging you although that person keeps telling you he or she knows. that’s the problem.

i was browsing the songs you downloaded into Baby (my laptop) and i accidentally clicked on this song on the playlist and listened to it and thought how much it suited the situation. cinta seorang teman by bob akademi fantasia (no, i’m not a fan of akademi fantasia). listen…

Dulu engkau ku kenali
Tak pernah ku sedar
Dari mata yang memandang penuh pengertian
Tapi saat itu telah berubah
Di persimpangan usia
Antara kita tak mampu lagi
Berselindung dengan alasan

Telah ku cantumkan
Semua impian bersama
Dalam jalinan yang kita bina berdua

Namun apakah erti bila
Keinginan terlanjur
Lalu menganggu kala dirimu
Selalu ada di sisi

Duhai teman
Bisakah kau fahami sandiwara ini?
Sejak bila berputiknya cinta kita
Menjadi rahsia yang tersimpan
Mewujudkan kenyataan
Ku tak sanggup kehilanganmu

Telah ku cantumkan
Semua impian bersama
Dalam jalinan yang kita bina berdua

Namun apakah erti bila
Keinginan telah terlanjur
Lalu menganggu sanubariku

Ku cuba bayangkan waktu dulu
Gurau senda serta pujukan mu
Puisi indah menyatakan kata rinduku
Masa yang berlalu meragui
Seluruh harapan muncul kini
Mengapa dan bertanya di mana kesudahan kita?

Duhai teman
Bisakah kau fahami sandiwara ini?
Sejak bila berputiknya cinta kita
Menjadi rahsia yang tersimpan
Mewujudkan kenyataan
Ku tak sanggup kehilanganmu

i conqured Desolation.

the dark clouds part. and the Sun is beaming again. i feel his rays on my raw skin. his warmth seeping into my veins. i could feel the gentle wind blowing and the smell of vanilla in my nostrils.

i told you, Desolation. i will conquer you and now you fear me. you have no control of me for i have sent you into eternal damnation.

now, i feel whole again. the whole world smiling at me. and my days are getting brighter. i can now smell the familiar sweet scent of moist soil beneath my feet. the smell i’ve almost forgotten in my earlier days.

and now, i wear a silent smile on my face and am excitedly anticipating…

this familiar feeling of Desolation. i know you too well. you have been knocking on my door a few times. but i pretend not to hear you. i refuse to open the door for you.

you can knock again for all i care. but you must not get the best of me because i will not let you. even though i’m left with this heart of void and bitter coldness, i will still hang on with every unit of energy and warmth left in my body.

although i fear you, Desolation, for you have painted me a string of grey and black dreams, threatening me to let go, i will not let you reign under any circumstance at all. i will hold on with every last strength and will in me to defeat you, to silent you and to send you to eternal banishment.

although you always hover over me like a stormy cloud, and leave me here on this abandoned beach where the waves beat so hard and the wind howls like a hyena, i will survive you. i will calm the storm and the sea, and the dark clouds will part and the sun will shine brightly once again.

Desolation, you will fear me…

been so busy these days. i didn’t even have time to blog.

the result: an abandoned blog site.

not only that, my yahoo email inbox piled-up, thank goodness, i just cleared it. so many junks and so many important emails too. made the screening job (choosing which to delete and which to keep) harder! and of course "thanks" to friendster’s notifications, the main reason why my inbox was so full.

yes i admit, i’m so busy with aiesec, matching and replying emails and chatting online to get the best interns, i hardly had time at all to go out and chill and loosen out. sitting down long hours everyday, i’m beginning to feel as if my ass is expanding or getting flatter. but thank goodness, i actually had a few hours the other day to get out. and thanks to a couple of people-lah. you know who you are. it was really a surprise for me ’cause i certainly wasn’t expecting any company at all or having the mood to hang out. yes, i’m workaholic. but what can i do when someone came all the way from training to get me out of the house. that got me going. thanks… 143.

too many surprises this time, don’t know if i can handle them… getting a lil too old for these kinda things.. hmmm…

goodness… i just can’t bear it anymore. the silence is so deafening. the hallway, the empty rooms, the bathrooms, the toilet cubicles, the washing room, the stairways, everything is practically so still and motionless.

there’s no one walking around in their bathrobes anymore, no one doing their laundry, no one going up and down the stairs, no walking-traffic down the corridor - it’s just me; alone!

during the night, as i lay my head down on the pillow, the silence is so dominating. it clots your ears, clouds your head, envelopes you all around. you could hear the sound of your eyes blinking or your own breathing. your light footsteps can be so thunderous, they shake the walls of the hallway when you walk thru it. the lights above you look dimmer and the temperature around you just drops. imagine the creepiness.

lucky for you. all you need to do is imagine the creepiness, the eeriness, the deafening silence. but as for me, ("me" emphasized), i am experiencing all those now; not imagining.

now you think that you’re so lucky that it isn’t you who is experiencing the situations and feelings the deafening silence is causing. i think i’m gonna get myself a temporary room mate at least for a few days more.

nightmare.

do such things exist?

1. wake up as late as you want every day and still not be late for class?

2. eat all you want and still not get fat?

3. walk around UTM wearing spaghetti or tube top and not get "saman"?

4. skip class and still be intelligent?

5. be at 2 or more places at one time?

6. be in love with 2 or more people at one time?

7. buy all the clothes you like and also those you don’t like and still have some more money to spend on your friends?

8. have internet access everywhere you go in UTM even when you’re in the loo?

9. no rules and regulations to abide with?

10. no conservatism, just open-mindedness where everyone can freely practice anything they want and not get criticized or judged by it?

11. sit and laze around all day and still get work done?

12. free flow of phone airtime; don’t have to pay at all?

13. a cinema in UTM or Starbucks? McD?

14. UTM is a flat ground?

15. everything you wish for comes true?