the diary of a girl named joanne

one of the things i lurve doing when i have the chance is to observe people. it’s extremely fascinating to just sit down for at least 5 minutes and watch them. very simple. you can do this while you’re waiting for the bus or the train, or when you’re biting into your burger, or shopping. of course, you have to look natural when doing this ’cause you don’t want people to get pissed of at you or risk yourself getting scolded or probably beaten up. never stare at a person. that’s plain rude. just… observe.

well, i’ve done this many times; at home, in the coffee shop, at the shopping mall, in church and also in school - just practically everywhere i go. for me, this ‘thing’ has actually become a part of me, unconsciously. the reason of me doing this: easy; i just like analysing people and figuring out who they really are though my assumptions about them may not always be true. but what the heck? it’s fun.

i’ve come across a lot of kinds of people in my 19 years of life so far. but the kind that i dislike the most (apart from fakers) would be the backstabbers. to tell you the truth, this word never existed in my dictionary until i was 15. that’s when i felt the pain and the anger that i’ve never experienced before in my life. it is hard to swallow all that is happening to you and is even harder to swallow when they tell you a lie of which the truth you already knew. and at that moment, you will feel as if you’re all alone in the world. and the next thing you know, the world doesn’t exist anymore. they, they’ll keep putting on that show, that acting, that drama. watching it makes you sick and all tied-up inside. your stomach churns and gets stuck in a knot. you don’t know what to do, who to turn to. all along you think that they are the nicest people in the world, they are the people whom you belong to, you treat them so nice and be what a friend should really be. and look what happens now??? you can’t turn back the time, can you? you can’t make them take back that lie, you can’t make them stop that acting, you can’t make them stop thinking that what they are doing now is hurting you, you can’t make them throw away what they’ve already thought about you. can you?

in your presence, they say nice things about you, they treat you good, they smile and do the things you ask them to do. but the minute you disappear, there goes! sharp knives come flying behind your back and get stuck on it. at first, you don’t feel a sting at all ’cause you don’t realise that there are knives sticking on vulnerable back. and then, someone behind comes running quietly towards you and tells you that there are many knives on your back, you look like an alien! that’s when you realise you really are an alien; alien to those you once called friends. 

that was a lesson i’ve learnt. because of that, i’ve become more and more cautious when making friends. there are friends you can trust and count on in times of trouble or pleasure, and there are also friends who wear a fake mask in front of you and take it off when you’re not around; i’m not sure if i would really call them friends. this is part of the reason why i like observing people and getting to know them a lil better who they really are. but anyhow, observing people is really exciting whether for fun or for just being cautious.